Today, I sit here, and wonder about former colleagues at former universities. The ones who never let on as they mentored and socialized with me, that come ARPT decision time, they’d throw me under the bus.
I wonder: were they under pressure from senior colleagues? Some of them were, as I heard. But they were mostly tenured and had relatively little to lose.
I wonder: do they regret it?
Do they chalk it up to self-preservation?
I want to ask them. But I avoid them, and never attempt to communicate with them.
I come from a culture of shame-and-embarrassment. I feel a deep shame for them.
These were their actions, but I feel shame.
I also feel ashamed because I didn’t see it coming.
That afternoon, when I picked up an envelope before the reappointment meeting, I didn’t even feel any emotion because I foresaw nothing and had no warnings, no ‘chatter.’ The shock was complete.
Some people involved didn’t even know me. I guess they were cogs in a machine, who owed their senior positions to “working well with others.”
When does working well with others mean cruelty to others, marked as outsiders?
How do people in administration and management learn to, get used to “managing” people like goods and commodities, moving them around, eliminating them? I suppose this is a whole other skillset.
I have these days, when I wonder.
These thoughts are difficult, because I still do not understand. It’s like occupying a planet with people who are a completely different species.