It hit me Saturday after 4 in the afternoon, long after we’d watched Frasier re-runs (again), long after scrolling through the unending outrageous and provocative tweets and posts.
It was just as I was re-filling the dishwasher, all the plates lined up just so, all the bowls compactly queued, all the tupperware lids on the top shelf, reminding my husband to make sure and not put the brand new tupperware lids in the bottom shelf please so I don’t have to replace them because they’re all twisted.
It was around the time I started re-heating a stale pot of rice with the last piece of thawed chicken from last weekend and some thawed eggplant.
I lit a frankincense incense stick in desperation, because if I can’t change anything, I can light a fire on an incense stick and make it glow, can’t I?
And a song rose from my heart, somehow:
تم همیں یوں بهلا نه پاو گے
You cannot forget me so easily
You cannot forget the times You and I had. I glance at the small kitchen and the surfaces that are perpetually covered, screaming at me endlessly There is no surface for cooking tasks here, somebody take away the random objects, somebody take it all away, somebody — oh wait, I’m that somebody.
لگ جا گلے که پهر یه حسیں رات هو نه هو
Embrace me, for who knows, this beautiful night may never return
My heart fills up with the oppressive sense of the mundane everyday. It crushes. It will not let me breathe. I want that taste of the Eternal, the Limitless, the power of madness again. But I am in my late 40s, and I am crushed by bills, work, demands, expectations, norms, career, parenting, long overdue goals, poor health, calendars, coordinated schedules, so heavy, so powerful that I can barely feel my own heartbeat.
I can barely remember who it was that navigated 40 years on this planet in mad seeking.
عشق بهی هو حجاب میں، حسن بهی هو حجاب میں
!یا تو خود آشکار هو، یا مجهے آشکار کر
Where is the insane confidence that led me to the doorstep where I threw down my belongings and stamped my foot, and said, I shall not leave, no, not until I have my wish?
ذرا سا تو دل هوں مگر شوخ اتنا
وهی لن ترانی سنا چاهتا هوں
I am but a little, pitiful heart, but so bold am I
I wish to hear the same You cannot see Me Moses heard on the mount
The dishes, the leftovers, the groceries. That’s all I recognize anymore.
Yes I got your email I’ve been busy with grading I’ll be there for the meeting Sure you can turn it in late Have a great day No problem I’ll get it done Thanks I’m a bit tired Oh sure I’m better now
Honey, remember to flush the toilet Did you get your snack for school You need to take a bath Don’t shut the door on me You need to take a bath What’s wrong now Let’s get the homework done now
Can we please go away this weekend But there’s always work Can we please sit at the beach Can we at least watch a movie Can we go for a walk Can we sit on the porch for a bit at least Can we talk
Amazing Awesome Fabulous Beautiful Cute Powerful tweet post photo update
Where is the air Where is the sky Where is the sun Who am I
Why is the ceiling so bloody low